Seinfeld Spin-offs

BY: DOUGLAS BARRICKLOW
Posted: Fall, 1997

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Great Seinfeld Quotes:

Jerry: "I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed."

Elaine: "Being a woman, I only have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?"

George: "Maybe this will become a good thing... living with your parents."
Jerry: "Yeah, and then maybe baldness will catch on. Things will be turning your way."

Kramer: "She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."

George: "I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
Jerry: "Maybe you should date the mothers."
George: "If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going."

Elaine: "Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool." (to Jerry)

Kramer: "I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house."

George: "I wish the flamenco was popular here."
Jerry: "Would you do it?"
George: "Yes, I think I would."
Jerry: "Well, I knew you had an affinity for it because it's the dance of a very proud people."

Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back."
Jerry: "Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
Kramer: "C'mon, and I'll rub some on you."
Jerry: That's not sweetening the deal."

Jerry: "There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character."

Jerry: "You know, George, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and greet."

Lt. Bookman: "You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."

George: "You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."
Jerry: "The coup de toe!"

George: "I feel like my old self again... totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... it's a pleasure."

Katya: "You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."

Kramer: "But I'm afraid of clowns."

George: "Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."

Kramer: "I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one." (after seeing George in a toupee)

George: "Do women know about shrinkage?

George: "Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar."

Jerry: "Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"

10. Working title: "High Maintenance"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as Elaine, hooks up romantically with Rob Morrow (Northern Exposure) who has just taken a job in New Orleans as General Manager of a P.R. firm.

Samuel L. Jackson, an accomplished jazz composer who is living very well off of royalties, lives next door but doesn't cuss nearly as much as in his movie roles.

Elaine takes a job as Anne Rice's New Orleans-based publicist but constantly suffers from the heeby-jeebies when in the company of Ms. Rice.

9. Working title: "Jews in Georgia"

George lands a great job with the Atlanta Braves organization with the aid of a forged letter of recommendation from George Steinbrenner, but is unable to get out of New York before getting roped into letting his parents move into his spacious, suburban Atlanta home.

Randy Quaid, reviving a Cousin Eddie-like role, lives next door and becomes a fast friend to George's father, Frank Castanza.

8. Working title: "The Barbara Walters' Special: Jerry-Mandered"

Knowing a truly "human" story when she see's one, Barbara Walters embarks on an extraordinary three-hour look at the multitudes of above-average looking women who played Jerry's dates and love interests during Seinfeld's nine-year run.

Barbara uncovers behind-the-scenes footage of Jerry Seinfeld's neglect and sometimes openly-displayed contempt towards these "remarkable" actresses who have often found themselves "blacklisted" in the industry after refusing to give Mr. Seinfeld sex during down time on the set.

"For some of these courageous young women," concludes Ms. Walters, "Only occasional jobs as extras in MTV rap videos can now be found. It's so very, very sad, Hugh..."

7. Working title: "Cliffy and Newman"

Cheers' Cliff Claven and Seinfeld's Newman both accept cushy transfers to Jackson Hole, Wyoming where they plan to spend their remaining days delivering the mail on that town's beautiful streets.

Matters are complicated though when they arrive in Jackson Hole to discover their new boss is a non-conformist postal professional played by Dennis Miller.

6. Addition to "Mad About You"

Kramer simply moves in next door to Paul and Jamie. Actually, ground has already been laid for this intermingling of the two shows' characters since before moving in with Jamie, Paul actually lived in what is now Kramer's aparment across the hall from Jerry . This was revealed in one of the first ever episodes of "Mad About You."

5. Working title: "Media Elites"

Jerry Seinfeld lures CNN's Wolf Blitzer and The NewsHour's David Gergen away from television news and smoothly places them alongside himself as dapper sitcom D.C. correspondents.

With that patented Seinfeld touch, he whips the two former newsmen into comedic shape as they chase politicians, women and adult beverages throughout the interior of Washington's Beltway.

4. Guest Appearance: "ER"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards and Jason Alexander all accept large sums of money to play annoyingly overly-talkative patients on NBC's other hit series, ER. Louis-Dreyfus is treated for teen pregnancy. Jason Alexander, who is only seeking treatment for seasonal affective disorder, wakes up in the recovery room to discover that both pinky fingers and both little toes have been amputated by the moody and often misunderstood Dr. Doug Ross. Michael Richards is treated for Hong Kong bird flu.

3. Working title: "Triumph of the Soup"

A Spike Lee Joint made possible by a grant from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, this black and white, Leni Reifenstahl-esque romanticization of the Soup Nazi and his noble experiment in late-20th century restaurant entrepreneurialism earns a place in PBS television history alongside Ken Burns' Civil War, Carl Sagan's Cosmos and Justin Wilson's Cajun Cookin'.

2. Working title: "Seinfeld: The Movie"

This long-awaited and much-anticipated reunion of the former cast of Seinfeld unceremoniously flops at the box office when Leanardo DiCaprio doesn't live up to expectations in the role of Kramer.

The role had been left vacant when Michael Richards decided he just couldn't justify spending the time away from his duties as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.

1. Working title: "Still The Cosby Show"

Jerry Seinfeld again works television magic by taking on the role of Cliff Huxtable as played throughout the 1980's by Bill Cosby. All the old cast members return (except Mr. Cosby of course) for a never-before-attempted second run at television success by a previously retired show.

Even though he's not black, and bears absolutely no resemblance to Theo, Mr. Seinfeld makes this sitcom reincarnation work because he's just That Damn Good.

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