N
eed advice or want to bounce an idea off Jay?


Put it down in an e-mail and then zap it to
JCrewRepub@aol.com.


TURNING "NEWT" INTO A VERB



Mr. Crew:

There is tremendous hope that the GOP will follow Newt -- OUT.

The divorce is optional. There has never been a Party since the Civil War that has had more screw ups than this generation of GOP Congress!

Robbie

Yes, Robbie, at times I do wonder why I was appointed to advise you people. I don't get your question, but as the Greek philosopher Parmenides said, it matters not where I begin, for I will end at the same place.

So: Love money, ride out losses, and vote Republican. Let tax cuts work themselves out.



Yours, Jay



A NEW DEMOCRATIC EMBLEM?



Mr. Crew:

Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom "stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others."

Darrell

Dear Darrell,

I don't know just how to account for your generosity towards the Democrats. The only one I've ever seen stand up to inflation is Alan Greenspan, between stints sitting next to Hillary at State of the Union addresses.

I believe that condoms are also well known for consolodating investments, covering indiscretions, and producing a healthy (if not always welcome) sense of longing in the very midst of riches.

Right-thinking conservatives, too, may fly them with dignity.



Jay Crew



STOP THE "REDERIC!!!"



Mr. Crew:

( I Think you are a Man? if Not I am sorry , for any more I do not understand What to put on Correspondance When Gender is Unknown!) Plus any more you can not tell by a Name!

I Have sent a letter like this to Over 700 People and STILL NO Factual Answer!

I am not trying to be Sni with these Remarks, so Please do not take them that way! I'm just so fed up with all these POLITICIANS , and all the Rederic! Thank You!

U.S.N., E.O.D., Retired
IronCity TN

Dear Tennessee Navy,

No, um, thank you. Everyone at CST begs your pardon for cutting down the letter. (Readers, please observe that this is but the first 0.4% of Mr. Navy's note--that's still enough pure vitriol to get CST pulled over by the highway patrol. The remainder is concerned largely with Defense Department regulations. For those who are interested in reading that sort of thing, I do not doubt that the DOD has a Website.)

Mr. Navy, we do not wish to misrepresent your position. Nor do we wish to occupy ourselves excessively with it. We enjoy partaking occasionally of the royal "we," and, above all, we are desperate for mail. In the hope of serving all ends, here's a summary of the letter that we've severely cut:

Mr. Navy is angry that, in the impeachment proceedings, Clinton wasn't held to the standard of any government Joe who needs a security clearance.

To put the situation simply: You are not alone, Sir, but as Mark Twain said of masturbation, there's no money in it. Let us know if that changes.



Jay Crew



WILL GOD BURN ORLANDO?


Dear Jay,

I noticed a while back that Pat Robertson was saying that Florida should watch out for God's wrath because Orlando was sponsoring a gay pride day.

Do you think the fires in Florida are part of God's wrath, and if so, how come Orlando was one of the few counties to not have fires in Florida? Does this mean that Orlando County is a home to the devil and it would be OK for the RIGHT thinking people to go and burn them out like they did in Salem Massachusetts? Does it mean that the people in Orlando used Witchcraft to punish the rest of Florida for being so reverent? I am confused!

Mark

Dear Mark,

For reasons that you point out, these particular fires don't seem to be the sort that sent Lot a-running and Lot's wife a-peeking back. I'd say we haven't had that kind of weather in a good spell--way before the bull market kicked in--and Pat Robertson would be smart to quit calling for it.

I believe in God, but I also oppose most planks in His platform. If elected, He'd wreck every building in the country with a money-lender inside.

For my part, let's just say that a Log Cabin Republican is as good a Republican as any. He's one more vote for fiscal responsibility. I don't complain about the Pat Robertson who goes to the polls, either, but the one who hopes to see an entertainment center and transportation hub like Orlando hit hard times is not a man for me. Let's you and me help knock him out of future primaries!

Jay Crew



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