Concerning Orange Shitgibbons:

Orange Shitgibbon

Credit: Jeff Darcy,

Orange Shitgibbons are an unpleasantly conspicuous and relatively recent devolution of modern man.

At first sight, they are often misidentified as, say, Onion-Eyed Flap Dragons or Gerbil-Headed Spunktrumpets. Sometimes they can be mistaken for Knuckle-Brained Fart Lozenges.

Perhaps their closest doppelgängers are your garden variety Utter Cockwombles.

Yet, if one is willing to more closely approach a suspected shitgibbon, they do have distinguishing characteristics and will exhibit predictable behaviors. These are all easily recognized, even by lay observers.

First, and this may go without saying, look for an orange-ish skin tone. Freshly scraped knuckles on smallish hands will also be present. Certainly listen for bullet-pointed, awkwardly placed conversational crutches like, “So dishonest!” … “Big crowds!” … and “Two Corinthians.”

And check for the ever present hairspray-blasted comb-over.

Of course, if you want to cut to the chase and remove all doubt, there’s no quicker way of confirming you’ve got an Orange Shitgibbon on your hands than to have a woman in your group go forward and introduce herself. The orange wretch will smile and extend its grubby, shortish fingers towards her privates as if it were the most normal thing in the world. (Here, a dash of bear repellent will end the encounter, allowing her to move safely away and signal an affirming nod back to the group.)

Once properly identified, don’t trust an Orange Shitgibbon any further than you can flush it down the toilet.

Speaking of toilets, unlike Tywin Lannister, they are not known for shitting gold. However, they do have a bad habit of pissing on the curtains. Hence, their preference for gold drapery when they can get it — to better hide the stains.

Finally, I’d do you a great disservice, dear reader, if I didn’t mention a few objects of their known prejudices. These include, but are not limited to: the seeking of shared knowledge; the living of life in the real world; the feeling of empathy toward the vast majority of non-blood relations; African-American presidents; germs; first marriages; Mexicans; POW’s; equal playing fields; Chinese hoaxessecond marriages; Mrs. Ted Cruz; and anyone who doesn’t take a thorough hosing from Donald J. Trump and immediately smile for another.

Oh, did I mention Mexicans?

[For more on shitgibbons, I place you in the overqualified hands of Slate’s Ben Zimmer.]